Improving Your Assertiveness

Assertiveness… expressing your feelings.

Assertiveness is the expression of your feelings, beliefs, opinions, and needs in a direct, honest and appropriate manner. Such assertive behaviour will reflect a high regard for your own personal rights as well as the rights of others.

Couples often present for couple counselling with an issue around communication. We work with them to change the negative patterns, break bad habits and help to understand with empathy. We also help them to listen to what each other are saying. However, an issue we see time and again is that one or other in the relationship has real difficulty with being assertive enough to say no. They can become resentful that they never get their needs met and accuse their partner of being controlling. When you are not used to being assertive you will build a lot of resentment around your relationship and you can slip into a depression as your emotions and needs are never met.

Think about this scenario…

You have been thinking all day that you want to go for a Chinese meal with your partner. When you get home, you say to your partner that you would like to go for a meal tonight and your partner says, “great there is a new Indian restaurant I would like to try.”

You agree

Do you find yourself sitting eating the Indian food with resentment and anger building? Do you feel that your partner is controlling you? Do you feel like you never get your needs met?

When you return home later that evening, you start to feel disappointed and resentful that you didn’t get what you had been longing for all day. Of course, this could end up in an argument with your partner about something that is totally unrelated to the meal out. This is a very sad, confusing, and lonely place to be as you never feel anyone hears you. Sometimes it results in anger towards your partner and they end up confused and upset that you are annoyed with them.

All you needed to say was “Indian would be good maybe next week but tonight I really want Chinese.” Most of the time your partner will agree as they want to see you happy as this demeanour has a positive effect on them.

Reactive vs. Proactive Assertiveness

Reactive people bottle their emotions and they never really say how they feel for fear of rejection and disapproval. However, there usually comes a time when they erupt which causes confusion to the person on the receiving end as they see anger and aggression. When they behave in this way, they will seldom be heard which completes the self-fulfilling prophecy; “I am worthless and don’t deserve to be heard” (lower self-belief).

Proactive people disclose their emotions on a regular basis in a calm and assertive way. By doing this they are heard and respected by the person on the receiving end as there is no confusion. They are aware of their own failings and can own their own blame. They have overcome the fear of rejection and disapproval. Their self-fulfilling prophecy will be “I am worth it” (higher self-belief).