Divorce... What about the Children?

Helping you to find your way forward and remain amicable.

When couples are in conflict it is not only destructive to them personally, it is unpleasant for the others around them.

Unpleasant negative feelings emerge in response to situations of conflict. When couples are in conflict it is not only destructive to them personally, it is unpleasant for the others around them, especially their children. Divorce may be decided if conflict cannot be resolved, for others there may be no conflict just a feeling they are no longer in love with their partner and want to be separated. If a third party is involved there is often anger, resentment and pain. No matter what the issue is if divorce or separation is inevitable then finding a way forward to remain amicable is always the best way for everyone involved.

“Easier said than done!”, I expect you are thinking. However, it can be done.

If there are children involved, you will probably be considering co-parenting, and the reality is that you will have to adopt a different relationship as parents to your children. You may have separated from each other, however, generally, neither parent wants to separate from their children.

Nightingale couple counsellors can help with:

How, what, and when do we tell the children?
Decide a set of boundaries agreed by both parties
Encourage harmony to ease the transition
Devise a plan of action as you move forward separately
Ensure you agree how and when you communicate about your children
Third-party contact and their role
Bringing the couple relationship to an end

Children involved with separating parents are entitled to parents who can communicate sensibly and without conflict, who have their best interests at heart and who feel no confusion or anguish about living arrangements and how much time is spent with each parent until they are at an age when they can make their own decisions.

This is their birthright.

Every parent works towards the same goal; to help nurture a child into a balanced young adult, ready and equipped to take on the challenges of living and thriving in our complex modern world. Understanding your own legacy goes a long way to making a better one for your children.

Children in the middle of divorcing parents are often very confused and sad. All they want is for their parents to stay together. However, if they cannot stay together their next wish is for them to be friends.

NEVER ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN

“ By the time we arrived at Nightingale it felt as though it was already too late. We could barely speak to each other without anger or tears and there seemed to be no common ground. Our sessions gave us space and a safe place to talk. Slowly and sensitively Florence helped us explore how we had reached this point and to think about how we might move forward. We developed a new understanding of what had led to our growing apart and empathy for each other’s feelings. ”

Some of the changes you may notice in your children:

Sadness
Anger towards other children
Acting out, difficult behaviour
Can be anxious about school
Longing for and missing the parents being together
Disrupted relationships with grandparents and other family members
Blaming themselves
Torn by loyalties to each parent
Anger when one or other of the parents is behaving badly
Anxiety about what is expected of them
Anxiety about whether they may be abandoned by both parents
Often parents in conflict forget to talk to their children
Feeling sad that either parent may be alone
Identity crisis about who they are
Disappointment
Confusion as to where they live
Confusion about who they like best
Acting out overly excited
Keen to impress to avoid abandonment

Playing one parent off against the other
Insecure feeling as boundaries are changed or are no longer there
Struggles with acceptance of children from another relationship

If you want to be a great parent who is separated from your partner and co-parent of your children, please spare a thought for the effects of the separation. Parents of separated children need to work together to ensure they minimise the negative effects of divorce on their children. Children need their parents to help them to move through the transition without having to be subjected to anger and bad feelings.

Often separated parents exchange their children without a smile or a kind word. Think carefully: how does this feel for your children?

To find out more about our Counselling Services and how we can help you, please get in touch using the buttons below or alternatively you can call us on 0141 353 9373

Written by Florence Gray

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